


It Hurts To Become

by toribird



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Tarsus IV, kinda allusions to abuse (pretty vague though but just incase), mentions of Kodos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 18:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7233286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toribird/pseuds/toribird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He dared you to be better than your father, (the man who saved hundreds-the man who left you) and you took it. </p>
<p>(Or, how Jim Kirk got to where he was in that bar the night before he joined Star Fleet).</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Hurts To Become

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my first Fic so it may be rough. Very heavily inspired by Daphne Gottlieb's _'15 ways to stay alive.'_ Basically a character study of Jim and his backgroud because it's not really talked about in the movie (but it's so interesting!)

_I said to the sun,_  
_'Tell me about the Big Bang,'_  
_The Sun said,_  
_'It hurts to become.'" - Andrea Gibson_

1\. Stay quiet and keep your head down. Smile. Nod. Follow the rules. Try your best to protect her from the ghosts she sees in your eyes. Don't notice how her smile is forced when she says 'happy birthday,' or how her eyes are wet when she kisses you goodnight. When you do notice, don't let her know you do. Love her, protect her, try and make her see you instead of your father. Love her so fiercely that she'll never leave you. 

2\. (When she leaves anyway, pretend that it wasn't you who drove her away.) 

3\. Watch the stars every night before you go to bed. Do not curse them for stealing both your parents. Do not resent them for taking your family. Find hope in them; listen to them call you home. Let them inspire you to do more than your parents. Let them inspire you to be better. 

4\. When he screams at you, yell back. Make his life a living hell. Don't let him see you flinch, don't show weakness (weakness is for _babies_ ). Don't let the words he calls you ( _coward, useless, patheticgoodfornothing-_ ) get under your skin, you have enough demons in your head already, don't let him add anymore. He's not your real father and you're not his real son, don't let him forget that. 

5\. When Sam leaves, drive. Drive like you've never done before. Stop being quiet- _fuck_ being quiet. Make them notice you, make them pay attention to the boy they all abandoned. Force them (dadmomsam) to look at you, to witness what they've created. You are a supernova and you are ready to fucking _explode_. Let the wind flow through your hair and scream until your throat is _raw_. Keep driving until you forget this feeling, but when the car goes down, don't go down with it. Jump and reach towards the sky-to the stars and imagine, just for an instant, that you are flying. Remember this moment, keep it locked away in you mind so you can look back on it. Remember it as the first time you had complete control of your life.

6\. When they send you away, let yourself be a boy again. New planet new you, right? Make friends, be carefree, let yourself be loved by your new family (a family _you_ got to chose) and love them back. (Begin to understand why your parents left you for the stars.) Start looking to your future with hope. Allow yourself to breath easy for the first time in years. 

7\. Ignore everything you've just learned. Never let yourself get comfortable. That was your first mistake. 

8\. You can't afford to make mistakes anymore, one mistake could mean the difference between life and death for you or your kids. Don't let your hunger hinder you, use it as motivation to keep going. Keep fighting tooth and nail and never let your guard down. Be strong for them, don't show them you're scared; take that fear and bury it deep down in your chest. Ignore the blood on your hands and pretend you don't feel the ache of hunger pains. Do what it takes to survive. But most importantly, do what it takes to protect the kids. Protect them from the fear, the hunger and the nightmares. 

9\. (When you fail to do that, promise yourself that you'll do better next time. )

10\. When you get back home (was this place ever truly home?) stash food everywhere and never let it go to waste. Make sure to create a plan for any and every situation, make sure the house has canned goods, seeds, water stored away- _just in case it happens again._ Lie and say you're fine, bare your teeth and repeat it over and over again until you believe it yourself. Convince yourself not to call out to your mom every time you wake up in a sweat, a scream caught in your throat because you were dreaming of Tarsus and no food and hunger and _-we need to run, we need to find food, we need to get out of here-oh god they're killing so many of of us oh god oh god-_

11\. Do not think about the fact that it took a genocide for your mom to come back home. (And even then she didn't stay). 

12\. Get through school but don't go anywhere after. Drink, party, have sex, fight. Cycle through these, because what else is there to do? Get shit-faced to escape a universe that doesn't want you, a universe you don't want to be in. Move from bar to bar, searching for something, _anything._ You don't know what it is, but you will look for it at the bottom of every last empty beer bottle. 

13\. When that something just so happens to be a dare- a dare to be _better_ than your father, (the man who saved hundreds-the man who left you), take it. Take it because god dammit, if you can do anything it's fight, and you'll fucking fight to prove that you can be better. You'll prove them all wrong, Mom, dad, Kevin, Sam, Kodos, the whole fucking universe. Look to the sky once more and be inspired again. Your dad got to the stars in 4 years? Fuck that.

14\. You'll get to them in 3.


End file.
